Thursday, March 3, 2011

The Callout

Let me apologize to begin with, let me apologize for what I'm about to say.  But I couldn't help but notice a sudden revival of the dead blogs of my friends in the recent past.  I don't want to say that this might be due to my natural leadership talents, but occasionally we all have to do things we don't enjoy.  But seriously though, these are some pretty funny dudes, Tim Davis (already linked him up, but hey, I'm a giver) over at, and my buddy Marcus over at  Check 'em out if you get the chance.

Anyways, enough about other people, because I know you don't care.  I mean, there's a reason you came to my blog, amirite?  I sincerely apologize for the long delay between posts, I just got out of the busiest couple of weeks of my life.  At least since the last time I had a couple weeks full of tests.  Which happens ridiculously often at college.  No me gusta.

Here's the thing- I'm awful at blogging because when I sit down at the keyboard, I can never think of anything interesting that I've been up to.  Honestly, I play a lot of videogames (which maybe two of my friends might be interested in), go to school, and sleep more than is good for me. And now that my roommate has told everyone he knows about my blog (thanks, dawg <3), there's a lot of pressure to keep up the humor.  I feel like you guys have totally unrealistic expectations of me.  I'm not entirely sure I can keep it up.

PSYCH!!! Sometimes I wonder if you guys even know me.

But for reals, since I haven't had a chance to go out and do some crazy stuff recently, my crazy story for this post is a couple weeks old, and most of my friends in Provo have already heard it.  Sucks to be them!!! It's my blog, I type whatever the freak I want.  Here we go: A while ago, prolly about a month now, me and my roommate got the genius idea to try and capture a small animal, probably so that we could train it to act as our personal butler.  One day, me and Mark are in the kitchen when, right out side our window, we spot a flock of infinite ducks.  Perfect opportunity, amirite? We grab the nearest weapon we can find (a cardboard box) and set out on the hunt.  The battle strategy was that I would circle around to the other side of the flock and we would pin them against the building, giving us the perfect opportunity to strike.  Unfortunately, we forgot ducks could fly.  Right as we're about to snag us a bird, this duck starts flapping his wings all crazy-like.  Naturally we assume "Hey, he's doing the crazy chicken thing where they try to scare you off." Then it just shot between us.  Kinda dazed, me and Mark look at each other just in time for every other duck in existence to take off in every direction possible. I don't know if you've ever been in the middle of a poultry blizzard, but its the scariest thing in the world.  I'm not to proud to say that I bolted.  Normally, I'd back my roommate up and try to save him, but there's an exception for death by bird.  So Mark, I'm glad you made it out alive.

With that (more correctly, with this underwhelming farewell), imma peace out. I have work in five hours. Keep it real!

Matty b

Monday, February 21, 2011

Bachelor for Life!

Well my buddies who came down for the weekend left earlier today, so it's back to business as usual around here.  Meaning I slept through the majority of the day, did a little bit of my homework, and surfed the internet.  The life of a bachelor with no ambition is truly great.

All in all, it was a pretty sweet weekend.  Like I said, a bunch of my high school followers cam down for the three day weekend, namely my bros Marcus, Jared, Tim, and my old roommate, Rob.  To commemorate the experience, we did what we did all throughout our years of public education; sat around, played copious amounts of videogames, and ate a lot of fast food.  It doesn't get better than that. (I'm a bachelor with no ambition, remember?)  However, the best part of my weekend happened after I kicked those mooching hobos right out of my house.  Someone got an eight dollar bag of Doritos and left them sitting under my bed.  Jackpot!!

In other news, I went and saw Megamind, the animated Will Ferrell movie, on Friday.  Let's get something straight.  I hate Will Ferrell.  I do not like very many of his movies.  I even thought Elf, which everybody else fell head over heels for, was mediocre at best.  But Megamind was great.  Mark and I have been planning to go see it ever since they announced that it would be shown in the student center movie theatre, and I'm glad we actually followed through.  It was funny, emotional, another adjective to describe it would be "perfect".  Definitely a good investment of zero dollars and zero cents (we managed to bum free tickets off of a couple of our friends).

Anyways, i'm off to play more videogames.  Talk to ya'll later!


Friday, February 18, 2011

Pictures of You, Pictures of Me

What the?! Two posts in the same number of days?!? Is that even possible? Why yes, yes it is.  And quite honestly, I don't appreciate your condescending attitude.  Sometimes a guy just want to blog, and you judging him isn't helpful.

So here's the deal, yo.  I decided I was going to challenge myself to see how many days in a row I could get on and post something; unfortunately, I did so knowing full well that I'm going into a three day weekend with my brohas and that I'm not going post these next couple days.  Whatevs.  The problem with this exercise is as follows: I'm freaking boring.  I mostly work, sleep and go to class. So most of my stories are like this: "I got up at 3:30. It sucked. The end."  Except, when I blog, I tend to embellish things, so it would sound a little like this: "I got up at 3:30. It really sucked. Definitely the end."  It's why I post as infrequently as I do. Interesting things only happen to me once every three weeks.

So in the meantime, I'll tell you about something that's less interesting, and more creepy.  For those of you without an intimate knowledge of my roommate's personal life (and why don't you?), Mark's computer background cycles through all of his pictures, bringing back fond memories.  Except for recently. Somehow, that function got turned off and the picture everyone sees everytime he opens his computer is this one:

And people doubt our roomie love...
 ... Well, if that isn't awkward, I don't know what is.

Additionally, I had one of the most embarassing experiences of my life today, no big deal.  I was chilling like a villain in the kitchen (best sentence I have ever written, btw. Incidental rhyming for the win!) with Mark when someone came and knocked on our door.  Now I'm about to tell you, my loyal viewership, something I don't tell very many people about myself. I really like opening the door. So immediately I jumped up and, this is the key part, called dibs on opening the door.  Now anybody with a soul would let me open the door at this point, amirite?  Not my roommate, Adam. He's all like "It's for me," or some other excuse thinking that it would override dibs, or something (Love ya, bro <3).  Oh no, he didn't. At this point I'm ready to rip the head off of [something that would complete this phrase and make me seem manly and angry].  I come bounding down the hall with the closing speed of the car the clipped Dale Earnhardt, Jr.* screaming threats up the yin yang.  Specifically, I will kill you... I will slaugh...  Halfway through the word "slaughter," Adam opens the door, and standing there is this lady I don't know with a petrified look on her face.  His aunt.  I land, seeing as I was legitimately bounding, pause, turn around and walk away like nothing happened.  Then I cried because of my own stupidity.

Anyways, the aforementioned mentioned brohas just arrived, peace out ladies and gents.
The Mattster

*This piece of topical humor brought to you by my time spent watching Sportscenter at work.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Romance and Bromance

Sometimes I wonder how I got to be so awful at updating this blog.  Then I realize that I knew the answer all along; I'm really freaking lazy.  However, due to my inherently self sacrificing nature, I will sit down on my lazy butt and type like a madman.  There've been some pretty crazy things going on around here.

First and foremost, I found out that there are people who read this thing who aren't A.) my family, or B.) my friends who feel obligated to because I put a link to their blog on mine! Also, they're girls!! Michelle and Jenna, I dedicate this post to you, mostly because I promised I'd do it two weeks ago, but suck.

Second and less important, I am now in a steady relationship.  Her name is Rebecca, we've really hit it off, and have plans to get married after I get back from my mission.  It's BYU, what'd you expect?  Here's the story...

I met Rebecca at the beginning of last semester, but we didn't really start talking until very recently.  Meaning three days ago.  When we met, it was during one of my family home evening activities, where we were devided into groups and asked to go do a scavenger hunt.  One of the tasks was to get the digits of a member of the opposite sex and (because of my ridiculously good looks and charming wit, no doubt) I was assigned the duty.  Fortunately, at this very instance, Rebecca stopped her car right next to me (probably because my inconsiderate group of freshman friends were blocking the road).  I seduced her, got her number, and went on my merry way.  At this point, so as to have proof that I had accomplished my given task, I saved the number in my phone as "Random Chick." Fast forward four months.  Now it's Valentine's Day, and because I'm so smooth with the ladies, I texted nine girls in my phone (and Mark) a Happy V Day.  One of these, just so happened to be Random Chick.  Next thing you know, she responds, we start talking, I fall in love, bada bing bada boom.  Classic Valentine's Day romance.  The only issue, and reason we're not married right now, is that she's in Mexico for study abroad this semester.  So ladies, remember, engaged ain't married.  If you've been wanting to make a move on me, get on it.

Other happenings, my roomie got his mission call.  Russia Moscow West, baby!  It's kind of annoying, because that was supposed to be my mission, but since he's pretty much a stud, I'll let it slide.  And speaking of his studliness, if any of my friends lacking a Y chromosome wanted to write him... it'd be a good investment, that's all I'm saying.  In a similar happenstance, I turned my papers in, so in a couple weeks, we'll find out where I'm going.  If any of those same friends wanted to write me... it'd probably be a better investment, because I'm really clingy, so I'd definitely write back. [In order to avoid any potential blackmail, I'm not actually that clingy. It was a joke people]

In other news, work sucks (I know). Getting up at three thirty in the morning leaves me tired for the rest of the day.  Crazy things happen when I get tired.  Mostly it's just me being stupid, or saying stupid things, which is more often the case.  In fact, I'm writing this post pre-nap, which means that I have released my inhibitions, felt the rain on my skin (because the weather here randomly decided to suck), and typed whatever popped into my mind.

You know what?  This is my blog. I can stop typing whenever I want to.  Peace out fools, I'm going to bed.
Matty B

Friday, January 14, 2011


Ba-dump, ba-dump, ba-dump.  You guys hear that? That's me breathing life back into the still lifeless body that is my blog.  It lives!!!!  Yeah, so it would be awesome if I had some sweet excuse for not posting in a month and a half (something like a long coma that I've only recently miraculously overcome), but in reality, I just suck.  Fortunately I'm back and ready for action.  It's blogging time, baby!

Just to fill everybody in on what's been going on since my last post... jack squat.  Fortunately, I took AP English and learned enough to be able to make up a three to five page paper at will.  Probably the biggest change in my life since my last post is that I've stepped up my political activist game.  I've started a huge initiative against unemployment, one person at a time.  To begin with, I got myself a job. Unfortunately, due to budget constraints, I've had to put the initiative on standby.  I work at the Smith Field House, the place where dedicated people go to work out, and where less dedicated people go to give up on their New Year's resolutions.  The best part is that my shift is from four to eight... in the morning.  And by best, I mean "clearly, obviously worst part."  The only reason I'm still a part of the labor force is that, through sheer luck of the draw, I got assigned to clean the gymnastics room.  I get to goof off on the trampoline and get paid for it, plus cheerleading practice is at seven. Holla!!

The new semester has been decent interesting.  I'm taking math again which is awesome and sucks at the same time.  I like it, but taking a year and a half off wasn't great for my abilities. [Side note: I know a good portion of you guys are saying to yourselves, "but Matt... I know you took AP stats and Calc II your senior year." To which I respond, "Do you honestly think I did anything in those classes?" Freak, guys, I wish you knew me.]  My other classes are mostly just busywork to knock out my GE's, but I had to do it sometime.  Might as well be before a two year hiatus.  Also, the whole getting up at 3:30 am kinda killed my social life, but hey, it's money.

Currently, I'm writing this from the Salt Lake airport as I wait to board my plane to fly home for the three day weekend and it's kind of a hassle.  How, I love public internet connections.

Peace out, ladies and gents,
Matty Boy

Also, my old roomie Nate Garlick has started up a blog telling the stories of his mission [to be updated by his family], which he will be leaving on on Wednesday. Check it out :

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Thanksgiving Break- A Tale in Two Acts

Due to my fixation with the internet, I'm pretty sure it comes as no surprise to anyone that I'm back online within a half hour of getting back from my week long vacation.  It probably does come as a surprise that I'm updating my blog, because I'm awful at it, but hey, live a little and little things like this wouldn't surprise you.  You should actually be proud of yourself, blog audience, because this is the third site that i've gotten on since returning to my regular internet connection.  The first was Facebook (because I'm addicted), then Gmail (out of habit), then you guys (because I care).
The truck- After the flip and subsequent explosion
This week was pretty sweet. Memories were made, lives were lost, etc. First of all, I got to see la familia which is always a plus.  Second, on the drive back, I flipped my freaking truck.  I say that like I was involved in the flipping or that it was my truck, neither of which is true, per se. And by per se, I mean at all.  The Kennedy's came down to pick Rob up and were nice enough to take me with them. Then Rob tried to kill me so he could take my bed. And while I'm not one for emotes, I believe this deserves a :(
Rob after the restorative plastic surgery
But no, now that the jokes are done, I'll switch into news reporter mode for those of you who haven't heard what happened.  The roads had been for the most part fine the entire trip, so we were going a cautious 50 when we were about fifty miles outside Burley.  All of a sudden we hit a patch of black ice, slid into the ditch, and rolled the truck once when we hit the bottom.  We all survived, in fact the only battle scar the four who were in the car have to show for our near death experience is a scrape on Rob's forehead.  The truck didn't end up so hot, but you can't win 'em all.  Afterward, Dad came and picked us up from Burley and we drove home for the break.  It's less exciting than the attempted murder story.
I'll report on the rest of the break as soon as I can.  Since I'm awesome, I didn't do any of my homework and now have to do that before I go to bed.  I also have to unpack, as well as participate in my routine partying.  Looks like a busy night.

Talk to ya'll later,
Matthew T. Bird, signing off

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Hey There, Delilah (Title Credit goes to Maddy Cleveland)

Guys, I have some bad news. There is the distinct possibility that I am actually dead and my corpse has been reanimated for the sole purpose of telling you why.  Yesterday, for family home evening, we went "Classic Skating" as a ward.  And as it turns out, when you're in college, classic skating actually means "spend the first 20 minutes remembering how to skate, then try to do crazy stunts with your equally crazy roommate." The stunt of choice for the night was the one me and Mark perfected, in which I would take a wide skating stance and he would skate through my legs.  Keep in mind that I'm using the term skate through my legs loosely in this context. What I actually mean is that he would start to skate through my legs, clip me in the knees with his shoulders, and I'd fall over backward. Various parts of my body are sore as I type this, including but not limited to all of it.

Additionally, me and Rob ran out of food this week.  Meaning that I still have my massive stores of canned food under my bed, but we ran out pasta and tortillas, effectively making it impossible to eat. And yes, you could say, "Matt, you could just cook up some of the canned food you were talking about..." and I'd say, "Point conceded." I could cook up some of the canned food I was talking about... if I had no soul.  A man shouldn't have to work for his dinner, people.

Let's knock some bookkeeping out of the way.  Next week, I may or may not post, depending on how lazy I get.  Everyone who reads my blog is going to see me. Except for the random guy in the Netherlands who has viewed my blog 6 times.  That's right man, I don't know who you are, but I'm still thinking about you. I'll think about it and get back to ya'll.

Final stories to tell: Nope, got nothing. It's good to be back to the blogging business after a short hiatus. The prodigal son returneth.

Catch ya on the flip side,
Matty, in the flesh

P.S. Not actually in the flesh. It's digital, guys.